Today I was reminded of my mom and how she would give me a warm hug before going away to travel for another gig, she would always say “I love you my boy” when it came time for me to leave. Knowing that I had to get up because my train to Kingston, Ontario, Canada was departing in the coming hours, my day began with me waking up, going downstairs and making myself some breakfast. Then I noticed I had an influx of texts coming in on my phone but I didn’t want to get too distracted because it was already hard enough to get up out of bed with this on my conscious.
I didn’t really feel like speaking to anyone and when going through the motions of all of this I’ve come to realize that I tend to push people away at times, not because I don’t want the support but because I don’t want to feel like a burden to them. As per every morning I received texts from my dad and my girlfriend and even though texting makes me anxious at times I did my best to answer accordingly. While trying to make breakfast and reply at the same time I became a bit flustered which felt like the biggest task at hand for me. This hasn’t been the only time where the smallest and simplest of tasks have felt like the biggest to do.
I thought doing a video call with my girlfriend would be easier than texting but found myself not very talkative and trying to focus on eating while thinking about my mom. Around this time she would be sitting in her seat on the couch and we would be talking with each other. It didn’t help matters that I was home alone too, which made me feel like my thoughts were echoing throughout the household.
My girlfriend and I spoke about downloading Netflix episodes for me to watch with her during my train ride to Kingston but even that felt like a huge task. Trying to find the energy and motivation to do anything felt almost non-existent. We ended up bumping heads over minor stuff which resulted in me walking into the kitchen to distract myself temporarily. I picked up a few dishes and began washing them but as soon as I turned the water on I shut down and began to sob. Leaning on the counter and the stove top while holding myself up helped but I rushed into the dining room and hung up the phone because I didn’t want her to see me crying and to be concerned for me.
What followed was me sitting down and processing yet again that my mom is no longer in this physical world. I began speaking out loud, telling her how much I miss her and how badly I wish I could give her a hug before leaving on yet another trip. She believed in me more than I could believe in myself at times and in that moment I wish I could’ve been lifted up by her once again.
In this moment I then saw that I had a missed call from my dad and remembered that he tried to call when I was on the phone earlier. In a panic I tried to call him back and all I got was the voicemail...which was my mom’s voice. I stayed still and listened to her voice with full, undivided attention. It brought me comfort knowing that we still had that clip of her speaking.
After going through the motions of all of this I centered myself by writing this down and I still find it crazy that in the midst of my own struggles, I am still here writing in hopes that it may help someone else. This reminds me that I truly am like my mom. She was known for bringing people together, for being kind to others and so much more.
On days like these when I feel alone, it’s hard to continue with my day or to even move but I know she would want me to continue to follow my dream which is why I am pushing to pick myself up and get ready for my travels. I think if there’s a lesson to be learned here is that it’s okay to feel these feelings, to cry, to weep, to hurt, to be sad and to take some time for self reflection but the biggest is to know that I’m not alone and I should stop pushing people away who are only trying to help.
In times like these it’s hard to stay grounded and to find hope but when we are able to, it’s imperative to grasp hold of that and to hold it close to your heart because it will help you to lift yourself out of that pit of despair. I miss her more and more everyday. I pray to her every night and I close my eyes just to focus on the image of her face.
Grieving isn’t something that’s temporary, in fact it’s something that is with you for the rest of your life and as much as it hurts, it’s something that we must learn to live with in this physical world. Knowing that her spirit is with me is something I will continue to cherish. As I travel today I will be carrying her with me and sharing with the young people I am going to speak to about how important she is to me and how she was one of two amazing human beings who made me into the man I am today.
I miss you mom, I miss your hugs, I miss your smile and I miss hearing your voice. Although you are not in this physical world to hold me like you once did before, I know your spirit will live on forever and will carry me when I feel like I am unable to lift myself up. Gi zah gin ni maamaa.