Cody Coyote: Music and the journey

Why Are You Celebrating So-called “Canada Day”?   

Why Are You Celebrating So-called “Canada Day”? 

In so-called “Canada” this false idea of being one of the greatest places in the world has been established and while it continues to operate because of this, it is far from that for Indigenous people who are the original caretakers of these lands. Indigenous peoples of these lands have been here for over 13,000 years with archeological proof to back that which far surpasses so-called “Canada” as it is only 153 years old. So-called “Canada” was founded on the genocide of Indigenous people through tactics like the Doctrine of Discovery, the Indian Act, forced starvation methods, forced relocation from their homelands, forced assimilation, violence, racism, oppression and colonization. Why celebrate that? 

Have you ever asked yourself whose traditional territory you reside on? Or how you benefit from acts of genocide and oppression as a European settler? Rather than celebrate a so-called country that has continued to be harmful to Indigenous people, why not reflect on how the “Canadian Government” and other European folks have acted towards them and try to create something new together? While “Reconciliation” seems to be a word that has been thrown around, it’s become lip service at this point and it truly comes down to if you genuinely care and are ready to unlearn behaviours, acknowledge your privileges and advocate for change. For those who are migrants and new comers to these lands, we as Indigenous people can't blame you for what you have been taught by a colonial society but we also hope to continue building relationships with each other, to have conversations with each other and to support each other. 

A good introductory resource to look at is the “Indigenous People’s Atlas of Canada” series: 

Things you should know while celebrating so-called “Canada” Day” 

What is the Doctrine of Discovery? 

The Doctrine of Discovery came from a series of Papal Bulls from the Pope originating in the 1400s. Under the “Doctrine of Discovery” established an ideation of spiritual, political, and legal justification for colonization and seizure of land not inhabited by Christians. 

What is the Indian Act and who was John A. MacDonald? 

The Indian Act was enacted in 1876 and allowed the Canadian government to control most aspects of Indigenous life: Indian status, land, resources, wills, education, band administration and so on. The Indian Act clearly aimed to assimilate Indigenous people into Euro-Canadian society by any means necessary. Indigenous people who earned a university degree would automatically lose their Indian status, as would status women who married non-status men resulting in them no longer being seen as an Indigenous person in the eyes of the Canadian government. 

Between 1879 and 1996, tens of thousands of Indigenous children were forcibly apprehended and were forced to attend residential schools designed to eradicate their language and culture. Many suffered from physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse and according to the NCTR (National Centre of Truth and Reconcilation), the number of children identified by name, as well as unnamed in death records, is about 4,200. John A. MacDonald, Canada’s first prime minister, was the architect of the Indian act and Canadian residential schools. Indigenous people are still living under the Indian Act today. 

For more info about the Indian Act and John A. MacDonald please visit: 

“Canada doesn’t have a racism problem” 

While the average “Canadian” would turn a blind eye and go as far to even state that there isn’t severe racism in so-called “Canada”, many Indigenous people would disagree as this country was founded on it. If you are seeking an immediate example of what I’m talking about, just look in the comment section of any news articles that have Indigenous topics and also look at the ones where the comments have been disabled. Also reflect on how quick non-Indigenous people are to bypass truth because it causes them discomfort. 

An important thing to reflect on as well is this: 

                                           Photo credit: Stuart Center, 

In a so called country where there has been ongoing violence towards Indigenous people since as early as the first arrival of European settlers, it’s vital to acknowledge that there is systemic racism in it. We are now in 2020 and Indigenous people make up over 30 percent of the Canadian prison population. 

Acknowledging that there is still ongoing acts of genocide in so-called “Canada” is vital as the number of missing and murdered Indigenous people is increasing. There are over 1,200 missing and murdered Indigenous people in “Canada” and while the average Canadian has the choice to either turn a blind eye to it or do something about it, the families are still left behind and deal with this loss everyday. 

Adding to this, over 8 Indigenous people have been murdered by police since April 8th, 2020, 3 of which happened in the span of 10 days, and this has been the continuum of a broken system. Upon its creation under the “Indian Act”, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police’s job was to monitor and displace Indigenous people, to move them onto reserves, to forcibly remove Indigenous children from their homes and place them in residential schools. 

It’s important to also acknowledge that revisiting these sorts of things can be emotionally taxing for some Indigenous people for obvious reasons, which is why some of us won’t be the ones to give you the answers you're looking for and will encourage you to find it in your heart to look into this information for yourself. Note that silence is violence and if you choose to keep quiet, you are a part of the problem. 

This has been something I have been able to write out at the capacity I’m able to offer right now and I am a strong believer in meeting people where they are at as opposed to having expectations from them. At the very least I would hope this can shift your mindset on celebrating this so-called country and give you some insight as to how it is a continuum of oppression. Ask yourself again, why are you celebrating “Canada Day”?

A Life Changing Commitment For Myself  


8 years ago today I made a life changing commitment for myself. 

There's a lot more than meets the eye when you look at someone and every person has their own story. Before being a successful multi-award nominated and winning Hip-Hop/Electronic Artist and Motivational Speaker, I walked a road early on and experienced things that most people would never even think of. This road plays a important part in who I am and it has allowed me to be where I am today. 

When it comes to addiction and substance abuse, I can't help but associate my experiences with both to be connected to trauma. In my past I made a lot of bad decisions, I hurt people, I lived a lifestyle that was reckless, I did things to my loved ones that I'm not proud of and I had a suicide attempt. Portions of my story I've been able to share but others I'm still healing from and am working on too. 

Growing up I faced challenges such as racism, bullying, intergenerational trauma due to my father being a part of the 60's scoop, cultural disconnect, loss of cultural identity, depression and substance abuse. These challenges contributed to my use of drugs and alcohol, the use of steroids due to negative thoughts of my own body image, gang involvement, committing crimes, violence and having unhealthy relationships. All of these things were a part of circumstances leading to self destruction. 

Without getting into matters too deep, there came a time that I wanted to make a change in my life for the better and it took everything in my power to make that happen. I used to carry a sawn off 22 caliber rifle in the back seat of my car, have sold weapons to various people, sold drugs, broken into places, was a driver for high ranking gang members, committed acts of violence, drank alcohol and used steroids frequently. This is just a glimpse of the chaos I immersed myself in and what I feel comfortable sharing right now. After much reflection on this throughout the years, a lot of it was because I was angry and upset with how I didn't know anything about my ancestors, my culture, my blood relatives, where I came from or how to manifest everything I was feeling. Being bullied and facing racism certainly played a big part in all of this as well. 

Being introduced to a way out was when I was charged with mischief under $5000.00 the day after I had my suicide attempt and had hit rock bottom. I remember being in a healing circle with elders, family members and case workers where I was able to share about things I had experienced. After this I went to a sweat lodge for the first time in my life, had been introduced to round dances and had attended pow wows which allowed me to understand that there was hope to get away from the lifestyle I was a part of. 

Although this had all happened, I remember exiting gang life and distancing myself from people I would regularly see, often party with and committed crimes with. For a while I had stopped using steroids and made an effort to stop drinking which went well for a period of time but I found myself in a watering hole afterwards. For some reason I found myself back in a bar on St. Patricks Day and I slipped despite trying to stop drinking. That same night I was in a big bar fight and woke up the next morning reflecting about the night before. 

After endless thoughts and fighting with myself, I said that enough was enough. From that day forward I made a strong commitment to recovery and thankfully found myself with people who had done the same who then became my supports. My father was the biggest one and I'm lucky to have had him present during these times too. Going to sweat lodges, writing poems and songs and exercising became regulars for me and remain to be. 

Closing off, I came a long way from where I've been and it's been a journey in itself to get to a point of sharing. Forgiving myself was the first step and having a support system in place was another but ultimately having the will to say "no" and focussing on living my best life became the strength I needed to begin healing. The choice to navigate my way into sobriety was mine and mine alone, nobody will ever take that away from me and I hope that through sharing my own experiences I am able to help others who have faced those of a similar nature. Making amends to folks that I may have done wrong became a part of this as well and even today I find that I am still apologizing but it's all a part of recovery.

We are the only ones who can make the decision to commit to this walk of life, some are ready and some are not, but no matter the case there is always those who are ready to help and it's important to acknowledge that we are never alone. Mamawi wi chi itata, all together we support each other. 

What You Should Know When Booking Live Entertainment   

When it comes to booking live entertainment for an event, have you ever wondered what the process should be when doing so? As an artist who had been managed for years and now manages themselves and understands this process, here are some pointers that may help you down the line whether you are the one doing the booking or the artist/band who is being hired. 

What Artists & Bands Need To Know: 
As an artist who has been operating in the music industry for years and has learned how to carry themselves in a professional manner, it wasn't always this way. My advice for you is to know your worth, how to conduct yourself in a professional manner and to acknowledge that it's okay to say "no". I'll keep it real with you, I've been screwed over by promoters, event organizers and other personnel and have unfortunately had to learn things the hard way by not getting paid correctly or at all. My most important words of advice for anyone who is being booked for an event is to put it in writing or else it doesn't exist.

Some would agree that leaving a paper trail is one of the best ways to keep a record of any agreement that is made between an artist/band and the client that is booking them, for me I personally believe in creating a performance agreement. When creating a performance agreement it should clearly state the legalities surrounding who is involved, where the event is taking place, what date it is on, the amount of pay that is due on the date of the performance, if there is any deposit that is required prior to the event (which I personally feel is the best way to solidify the agreement) and any valid information pertaining to the event. 

Artists/Bands or their representatives are to provide the client with a rate card to begin the negotiation process and to ensure a fair price is met for their work. During this time tech and hospitality riders should also be provided to ensure the proper tech is available for the performance and to ensure that the costs for hotel, travel and meal per diems are taken care of.

After a fair price is discussed, tech is taken care of and talks for hospitality are out of the way, the artist/band or their representatives are to provide a performance agreement to the client to make things official. Once the performance agreement has been signed by both parties, the artist/band or their representatives and the client will abide by the agreement. If cancellation should be needed, it should be clearly indicated in the performance agreement on what the process is for these circumstances. 

Once the performance agreement has been signed, the artist/band or their representatives are to provide the client with an invoice for their services that clearly states the service that is being provided, the amount that was agreed upon and the date that it is due. Once the payment has been made the artist/band or their representatives are to provide the client with a receipt for payment. 

What Clients Need To Know:
As a client who is looking to book an artist/band for an event it is your responsibility to ensure that you hold up your end of the deal that is created between yourself and the artist/band you are hiring. Agreements via email, text message, online chat or phone aren't as valid as a performance agreement and if you want to be taken seriously when booking an act, signing a performance agreement is the best way to do so to avoid any conflict or problems in the future. This means that if you have signed an agreement, you are legally bound to it and need to abide by what has been discussed between yourself and either the artist/band or their representatives. 

In order to keep everyone happy, I always advise folks to follow this process:
1. Review artist/band rate card and don't be shy to voice that you may be working within a budget because that's where negotiations will come in.
2. Clearly review the performance agreement once it is provided to ensure that you are able to fulfill your side of the deal.
3. If the artist/band or your venue can't provide the proper tech, try to propose some alternatives to see if they may work for the artist/band that is being hired and if you are still unable to, the best practice in this case is to rent equipment from an outside source. 
4. If the artist/band has to travel for the event, covering transportation, putting them up during their stay and providing meal per diems is always a great way to ensure that things run smoothly but also creates a better working relationship for future events. 
5. Let the artist/band know when their soundcheck time is as well as who their main point of contact will be. 
6. When the artist/band or their representatives have sent you an invoice for their services, pay them on time to avoid any conflict or being blacklisted from them. 

Will security be needed for the artist/band?
Depending on if a liability agreement has been signed, you may or may not be responsible for providing security at your event. Normally if there are large crowds at the event it is always a good practice to have security present anyways to avoid putting their safety at jeopardy and to make the artist/band feel welcomed. 

By following this process from both sides I have found it to be a great way to conduct business and feel that everyone should make this a practice when it comes to booking live entertainment. With hopes that this has provided insight to artists/bands and to those looking to book them for events, please feel free to use this for future reference and to share it with anyone you feel it could potentially be helpful for. 


One Year 

Today I have felt the world sit still and have felt numb. I've been missing my mom more than ever and when I close my eyes she's all I can envision. It's crazy to think that a year has already gone by without her in this physical world and it's been the hardest year of my life. 

While people try to call me, text me and message me continuously to reach out for support, I can't help but feel the need for personal space and to be alone in my thoughts at times. I've also come to know that there are expectations from others and I hope they understand that they shouldn't carry any expectations from me but rather appreciation for what I am able to offer right now. 

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and felt the feeling of wanting to be with my mom. Being reminded that I couldn't hold her again, hear her voice and laughter, play crib with her like we used to or just overall be with her made it very difficult to fall back asleep. Lack of sleep has become a regular thing for me lately and it's often because my mind is racing. 

Today, I had my interview at CBC and had tried to call my dad but got the voicemail that's set up on the phone. It still has my mom's voice on it and reflecting on that now makes me sad because I wish she could've heard my interview. She used to always tune in and congratulate me afterwards which has also been a first for me. There seems to be a lot of those lately and I'm learning how to deal with it. 

I've come to know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, upset and to cry. There have been people who have disregarded my emotions for their own comfort and this is something I feel I should voice. These have been the people who tell me that "It get's better" or "It get's easier" which are not words of comfort whatsoever and in fact makes things feel even worse because it doesn't feel that way right now and I need to feel this completely in order to heal and to move forward. 

In terms of truly being there for someone, I feel the best thing to do is to just listen and be present when they need you to be. Telling people that you know how they feel isn't a good idea at all either because nobody knows how I feel except for me. Someone may have an idea of what it feels like to lose a parent but to have lost my mom before her time isn't fair and it hurts more than anything I have ever felt before. 

I felt it is important to voice all of this because as someone who has been hurting and has been still, it's hard to find hope right now but it is not impossible. I needed the kind of hope to be able to continue and to see the light that this world may offer and the only way I've been able to feel that completely is by focusing on the love that my family offers me during this time. Mourning and grieving for the one person who gave you life is something that is not simplistic to express but if I had to try it would be to share that it is like someone took away one of your reasons to wake up every morning, to breathe and to live.

My mom was someone who taught me so much throughout my lifetime and prepared me to be the man I am today. She was the kind of person to open our door to anyone who was in need and to be there for them. I remember my friends coming over and having a place to stay if it was ever needed. If they hadn't eaten that day my mom would often ensure that they were fed before leaving our home. My mom taught me how to take care of others and had also reminded me to be gentle with myself. With this being said, during this past year I have been learning much about taking care of myself and have put a focus on self love. I also have chosen to honour my mother by continuing to be kind to others as she would have and to utilize the teachings that she instilled in me while doing so. At every one of my shows I have also made it a habit to highlight that and to challenge folks to say something kind to those that are around them as well. 

One thought that often crosses my mind when thinking of this is, "What is the meaning of this gift of life that we all have?" another is "Why are there different qualities of life and class systems that focus on dividing people and separatism?" In today's society we're all stuck in living in a dog eat dog world or at least the social norms push that onto us. Take it from me when I say that life is way to short and we should much rather be focusing on being kind to each other as well as understanding, accepting and supportive of one another. 

Closing off, one thing that my mom has taught me above all is being remembered for doing good in this world and for being kind to others. Often I ask myself what I want to be remembered for and I know I want to remembered for being a good human being with a kind heart who helped others just like his mother did. What do you want to be remembered for? 


Oh Canada...  

When I think of Canada Day I can't help but revisit bad memories that I carry from my own experiences and can’t help but think of the true history that is beginning to come to the surface for Canadians to learn about. Growing up in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada as an Indigenous person due to their father being adopted in the 60’s and who was yearning to find their roots, culture and language was hard enough but to learn the true history of what took place in Canada during the process of doing so made things all the more difficult. As someone who is an intergenerational survivor, I often wonder why people still celebrate this day and find myself confused when I hear talk of reconciliation then witness those very people speaking about it choosing to celebrate the creation of a place that inflicted genocide on the original peoples of Turtle Island. 

Hearing people identify as "Canadians" was always confusing for me because it was a culture that was made up and created by settlers and has lead to the idea that settlers are from here, Turtle Island. While this may cause discomfort for those of settlers decent, let it not be forgotten that this country was founded through murdering Indigenous people and children as well as raping Indigenous women and children too on their own homelands. This country was also founded through colonization, genocide and trying to eliminate Indigenous people, their culture, their language or how it was referred to from Canada's first Prime Minister John A. MacDonald, the "Indian Problem" through the residential school system and attempts to assimilate Indigenous people into Canadian society. 

When you think of identifying as a Canadian, think about what that truly means first. When I hear it, I can't help but think about the true history that has happened in "Canada" and the continuum of oppression and harm being brought to Indigenous people. Our government allows pipelines and other forms of resource extraction to damage the remaining portions of our territories that we have and unfortunately some of our leaders have now become a part of the problem in doing so because of money. Our women, young girls and boys are being trafficked through sex trafficking rings and some of the people who are supposed to protect and serve them, the police, are the ones doing harm. Our people are also going missing and are being murdered at an alarming rate and more than anyone else in Canada. Our communities are struggling for a basic human right to clean drinking water and are lacking sustainable water. These are just a few examples that I can provide and you can research it more if your heart desires but my point is that I hope you will be a part of the solution as oppose to being a part of the problem. 

I know that I am not a Canadian, despite having a Canadian passport and other Canadian identification in order to operate in a colonial world, I am Anishinaabe and my people have been here for over 10,000 years. Yes I pay my taxes like everyone else and no my Indian Status Card does not allow me to get out of that. It's actually pretty weird to think that the government won't ever acknowledge me by my English name or by my spirit name but rather as a number. Again, part of true reconciliation is taking the time to find this information for yourselves so feel free to research it when you feel most comfortable and please don’t assume unless you have taken the time to talk with someone who has extensive knowledge in regards to Indigenous topics.   

Things to think about though, where are you truly from? Or better yet, where did your family come from? Are they from England, Ireland, Scotland, France or a different part of Europe? Or are you from a different part of the world and are a newcomer as of recent to Turtle Island and have fallen into the process of colonization and assimilation into Canadian society? It’s crazy to think that people are even brainwashed into thinking that they are from these lands through the Canadian anthem, “Oh Canada, our home and native land”. Ask yourself, who's territory are you on? 

Check out the Indigenous Peoples Atlas of Canada:


I don't mean for this to be offensive but rather to open your eyes, to educate and to hopefully open your heart as well to being true to yourselves because as Indigenous people, we are often excluded and put to the side when it comes to living in "Canada". In fact, some of us get nervous on Canada Day because we feel like we are walking with a target on our backs. While some have become the "Token Indian" for the government to make things look like they are the way they are meant to be, the reality is that it is far from that. 

Travelling across Turtle Island, I have been to many communities both urban and rural and have witnessed a lot. Did you know that there are communities just outside of Ottawa that do not have sustainable drinking water? Also, when you see Indigenous people on the streets in a city, have you stopped to think of why they may be there and the root causes of intergenerational trauma that they may carry? I've also seen many of my people living in extreme poverty and the mentality that I have heard from "Canadians" is that they should "Get over what happened in the past and work like everyone else". As of recent the awkward and most frustrating thing I heard from someone who was on a project with me in a community that gets flooded every year with no help from our government for evacuation is that "There are bad things that happen all over the world". After hearing this I felt extremely uncomfortable that this mix of Canadian guilt and white privilege was overstepping, thinking that it's okay to normalize what we as Indigenous people are facing in "Canada". 

When it comes to policing in Canada, especially on "Canada Day", that is certainly one of the top things I am fearsome of. From my personal experiences with Canada Day, I first think about one year when I was with my brother and some friends in downtown Ottawa and had to defend ourselves on the rooftop of the Rideau Centre from a white male who had come at a female friend of ours with threatening behaviour, which ultimately resulted in violence. That also leads me to think of 2011 which had followed after and I would've been 19 at the time. A group of us were hanging out on the rooftop of the Rideau Centre again and my brother and my friend were fooling around and had been throwing an empty water bottle at each other. The water bottle had accidentally gone over the railing and down to the crowd below and I had looked at the building across from where we were and there was a police officer with binoculars focused on me. 

I remember walking away with another one of my friends and being grabbed by two male police officers then thrown to the ground. I felt startled and remember feeling one of the officers put his knee on the side of my face while he was assisted by one of the Rideau Centre's security guards in pinning my body down to the ground. The other officer had then put plastic zip ties around my wrists and tightened them then began to search the pockets of my pants. He then searched my backpack and opened a Mickey of Captain Morgan's Spiced rum which I had in my bag that was initially unopened and had planned to drink that night. This lead to him dumping out the Mickey and a bottle of ginger ale I had in my bag too. 


During the mist of this I was asking what I did wrong and they told me to remain silent. I kept in mind that as a youth, I had been arrested and in a pair of handcuffs on different occasions which allowed me to know how that felt. These zip ties however were a new feeling and I couldn't feel my hands because they were so tight. While this was happening chaos had broken out and my friends were questioning the officers on why they were doing that to me. Looking up at one of the officers, I asked if he could loosen the zip ties and his response was to start walking. At this point I was on my feet and they were lifting my arms up behind my back, causing me to lean forward in an uncomfortable manner. The police forced their way through the crowd that had gathered near me and began bringing me off of the rooftop.  

While walking the two officers stopped and had put my back against the wall. I felt one of their elbows strike the centre of my body and was then asked if I was ready to co-operate. I caught my breath and answered that I have been co-operating the whole time. After this happened they continued to walk me down to the paddy wagon that was parked on Mackenzie King Bridge and my brother had shown up. I told him to call my parents and to tell them to meet me at the Elgin Police Station.  

The two officers then handed me over to another officer who helped me into the back of the paddy wagon. Shortly after leaving the Rideau Centre the paddy wagon came to a stop and the doors opened. The officer asked me if he were to take the zip ties off if I would try to run away and I told him that I wouldn't. He then cut off the ties and asked me to put my hands in front of my body where he put a new pair on that were a bit looser. He asked me what I did and I told him what had happened on the rooftop. The officer then told me what had happened to me was ridiculous and wasn't right. He then told me that he would let me sit with the door open for a bit to hear some live music nearby. A short period of time passed and we then made our way down to the Elgin Police Station. 

While being processed I remember the woman at the processing desk taunting me in front of her peers because of the haircut I had at the time. She asked me "Hey do you watch Jersey Shore? You look like that guy from the show" and I asked her "What guy?" which lead to her saying "You know, that guy". After she had said that, a male officer who had been telling me where to put my feet during getting my picture taken replied to her while laughing and saying "Pauly D". The woman had then bursted out laughing and said "Yes! Pauly D!" which resulted in them both laughing at me. I felt humiliated and extremely uncomfortable at this point. 

After processing, I was brought in an elevator and then to a cell where I was left alone. There was a drunk white male who was in the cell next to me and had seen me come in. I remember sitting at the edge of the bed and hearing him call me "Soft" from the cell next to mine. He asked me if I wanted to fight and I remained silent. While attempting to ignore him I laid down with a roll of toilet paper under my head for a pillow and stared at the ceiling. He began pounding on the wall and yelling profanity at me which made me react by saying "You're pretty tough screaming at me with a wall between us". At this point an officer came to his cell and told him to be quiet then had asked me if I was okay, which resulted in me telling him, teary eyed and emotional, that I was far from okay. He said that I would be out of there soon enough and as time passed he returned to bring me out of my cell then to my dad who had bailed me out. 

This is the first time I’ve written this experience out completely as it has affected me for years and my experiences with Canadian police, in particular the OPS (Ottawa Police Service) haven’t been the best. After much reflection I wondered if they had something to prove or if they had some type of quota to make but whatever the case may be I ended up being a young man who was sober and had been placed in the drunk tank. Deeper thoughts had followed after I heard other peoples experiences with Canadian police as well and I am still finding the courage to share more of mine. One thing I feel comfortable saying is that when I owned a vehicle before it was a 1985 Olds Mobile Royale Brougham that had no rust on it and was a sharp ride that I worked hard to have, this lead to problems for me. Often I would be pulled over by police because they wanted to “See who was inside” which wasn’t a good enough answer for harassment and now that I don’t own a vehicle, it’s become one of the reasons why I feel less inclined to do so. Then there were the nights where I would be pulled over and asked to step out of my vehicle to be searched and their reason is that my vehicle was suspicious. 

This is just a pigment of what I’ve come to know while growing up as an Indigenous person in “Canada” and I hope that it may open people’s minds and hearts to challenging what they think they may know. There is disguised racism and ignorance that exists in “Canada” which needs to be challenged and I hope that this can help in that process. Some may take something from this and some may not but overall I challenge those who read this to keep the conversation going and to think to themselves…why are you proud to be Canadian?


Mom's Hugs 

Today I  was reminded of my mom and how she would give me a warm hug before going away to travel for another gig, she would always say “I love you my boy” when it came time for me to leave. Knowing that I had to get up because my train to Kingston, Ontario, Canada was departing in the coming hours, my day began with me waking up, going downstairs and making myself some breakfast. Then I noticed I had an influx of texts coming in on my phone but I didn’t want to get too distracted because it was already hard enough to get up out of bed with this on my conscious. 

I didn’t really feel like speaking to anyone and when going through the motions of all of this I’ve come to realize that I tend to push people away at times, not because I don’t want the support but because I don’t want to feel like a burden to them. As per every morning I received texts from my dad and my girlfriend and even though texting makes me anxious at times I did my best to answer accordingly. While trying to make breakfast and reply at the same time I became a bit flustered which felt like the biggest task at hand for me. This hasn’t been the only time where the smallest and simplest of tasks have felt like the biggest to do. 

I thought doing a video call with my girlfriend would be easier than texting but found myself not very talkative and trying to focus on eating while thinking about my mom. Around this time she would be sitting in her seat on the couch and we would be talking with each other. It didn’t help matters that I was home alone too, which made me feel like my thoughts were echoing throughout the household. 

My girlfriend and I spoke about downloading Netflix episodes for me to watch with her during my train ride to Kingston but even that felt like a huge task. Trying to find the energy and motivation to do anything felt almost non-existent. We ended up bumping heads over minor stuff which resulted in me walking into the kitchen to distract myself temporarily. I picked up a few dishes and began washing them but as soon as I turned the water on I shut down and began to sob. Leaning on the counter and the stove top while holding myself up helped but I rushed into the dining room and hung up the phone because I didn’t want her to see me crying and to be concerned for me. 

What followed was me sitting down and processing yet again that my mom is no longer in this physical world. I began speaking out loud, telling her how much I miss her and how badly I wish I could give her a hug before leaving on yet another trip. She believed in me more than I could believe in myself at times and in that moment I wish I could’ve been lifted up by her once again. 

In this moment I then saw that I had a missed call from my dad and remembered that he tried to call when I was on the phone earlier. In a panic I tried to call him back and all I got was the voicemail...which was my mom’s voice. I stayed still and listened to her voice with full, undivided attention. It brought me comfort knowing that we still had that clip of her speaking. 

After going through the motions of all of this I centered myself by writing this down and I still find it crazy that in the midst of my own struggles, I am still here writing in hopes that it may help someone else. This reminds me that I truly am like my mom. She was known for bringing people together, for being kind to others and so much more. 

On days like these when I feel alone, it’s hard to continue with my day or to even move but I know she would want me to continue to follow my dream which is why I am pushing to pick myself up and get ready for my travels. I think if there’s a lesson to be learned here is that it’s okay to feel these feelings, to cry, to weep, to hurt, to be sad and to take some time for self reflection but the biggest is to know that I’m not alone and I should stop pushing people away who are only trying to help. 

In times like these it’s hard to stay grounded and to find hope but when we are able to, it’s imperative to grasp hold of that and to hold it close to your heart because it will help you to lift yourself out of that pit of despair. I miss her more and more everyday. I pray to her every night and I close my eyes just to focus on the image of her face. 

Grieving isn’t something that’s temporary, in fact it’s something that is with you for the rest of your life and as much as it hurts, it’s something that we must learn to live with in this physical world. Knowing that her spirit is with me is something I will continue to cherish.  As I travel today I will be carrying her with me and sharing with the young people I am going to speak to about how important she is to me and how she was one of two amazing human beings who made me into the man I am today.

I miss you mom, I miss your hugs, I miss your smile and I miss hearing your voice. Although you are not in this physical world to hold me like you once did before, I know your spirit will live on forever and will carry me when I feel like I am unable to lift myself up. Gi zah gin ni maamaa.  

The Red Road  

Today I am left with much reflection and have found myself reminiscing through past events. While most people are waking up with a hangover and alcohol in their system from the night before, I am waking up sober. I do not have the taste of alcohol in my mouth or the smell of it on my breath and I do not have a headache or the urge to lay in bed any longer. One thing that stands out to me is that rather than neglecting to open the curtain to let the sun through, I have found myself witnessing the beauty of it as I have opened the curtain this morning and it's shine has graced my living room.

A new day awaits me, different from yesterday, the day before and the ones further beyond that. What will today be like for me? And how will it progress to tomorrow? Many thoughts surround that because today is an anniversary day for me. The day that I took ownership of my life and began to make better decisions for myself. To walk the red road and to live a better life. 

Seven years ago today I made a commitment to myself that I didn't want alcohol, steroids or drugs in my life anymore. Throughout those seven years many challenges have come, many people have exited my life and much has changed. I no longer have the want to be around a party environment, nor the urge to meet up with a site van to receive needles. I make it clear to others that it is not for me and if they disrespect that then I defend myself. False friendships have been removed, stronger bonds with my family have been made and today I make healthy choices for myself and give thanks for this gift of life. 

Having a healthier relationship with myself and my family is something that I thank Gitchie Manidoo (The Creator) for. They have been my strongest support system throughout this journey and have been there throughout it all. From the nights of mischief, acts of crime and violence, to the mornings of not remembering and trying to puzzle it all back together, they have been there. Most importantly was the morning after hitting rock bottom with my suicide attempt and the day I said that enough is enough and began to walk the road of sobriety. 

Friends come and go but family always stayed for me, which is a blessing considering all of the things I did when I was drinking and using. I always heard my dad tell us stories of his experiences and yet I still went to figure it all out for myself. Often a night of drinking would result in events that were quite traumatic for me to witness due to the actions made by the individuals I surrounded myself with and the pressure to be included in those actions. From violence behind closed doors to the violence in city streets, to the drug dealing and drinking during late nights spent in trap houses, I found myself thinking that I didn't want this anymore. Driving under the influence became a regular thing too which was not smart at all and certainly wasn't safe for myself or other people. Eventually I came to the realization that this lifestyle was going to validate what teachers had told me in high school, that I was going to either end up "dead or in jail".

When I had been using steroids it was initially to become more attractive due to being called ugly, not good enough and having people make fun of my body image which lead to insecurities. It hurt when guys did it to me but when women would, it stung and made me feel inferior. I remember drinking while using steroids and I was very emotional, aggressive and always ready to fight, which is something that the dealer neglects to tell you will happen when they sell you them. Changes in my body also occurred, including acne on my chest which had left scarring that will be with me for the rest of my life. 

After seven years I reflect on how many people were hurt, how much chaos was in my life and how finding balance has lead me to making amends with both myself and those that I was destructive towards. Not knowing who my blood relatives were for 25 years due to my father being adopted in the 60's, being bullied in high school for being Indigenous and being lost in this world which lead to being involved with gang life played a big part in the trauma that I carried. The reality is that even though I am sober, I still cross paths with people I have hurt and have had to make amends. Taking ownership of my actions and knowing when to apologize is a part of the healing process. Some of the amends made are due to actions that happened when I was sober and learning how to cope with emotions that weren't present before. Making amends with myself was important too and I often remind myself that when the going gets tough, to be gentle with myself. 
Finding and learning my culture throughout these years has helped me throughout my journey and going to sweat lodge has helped as well. Being able to learn my language more and gain cultural knowledge and teachings has gone a long way. I've been able to pass it on to my family members and we have shared it together. This was something that we did not have growing up but being able to have it now is important to me and is something I give thanks for everyday.

The teachings I received from my parents played an important part in who I am today as well and I choose to share them with others when able to. My mom was renowned for bringing people together and offering kindness to others but if you crossed her then you would know that you made a big mistake. She taught me to offer kindness and to have a kind heart. My mom also taught me to not take crap from anybody and to stand up for what is right too. My father also taught me to be kind to others and showed me what it meant to be a kind man through how he treated my mom. He prepared me for this walk of life and the challenges that it would carry for me but was also there to lift me up when I lost myself. Paying it forward has become something that I do often now and my father taught me a valuable teaching that comes with that, which is that service is gratitude in action.

With my mom passing away in August of last year and her birthday coming up next weekend I have had a lot to think about lately, in particular today. She was always there to give me hugs when I needed them and to listen throughout my hardships. Now that I am living my dream, she had always been there to support me throughout the process of being able to and was so proud of everything that I am doing. Hearing that she was proud of me affected me in many ways and often brought me to tears because of everything I have been through in my past and how she knew more than anyone. I know that my mom would also be very proud of me today for making it to seven years of sobriety and while carrying that close to my heart I will continue to live a healthy lifestyle.  

While most people choose to drink alcohol and it has become a social norm, I acknowledge that I have no need for it in my life. This is both for personal reasons but also on a bigger spectrum. Hearing when people try to portray the "Drunken Indian" stereotype, I remind them that there are sober Indigenous people in this world. I've taken a strong stance against something that had been used to weaken our people and providing help to those that are still battling it as well as their own traumas.

Working on my craft and developing my writing skills more has been my outlet throughout all of this as well. Having released my first full length album "Mamawi" on November 1, 2017 and now almost completing my second full length album set to be released in summer 2019, my life is where I want it to be. Music has been one of my three keep safes, the two others being walks outside and exercising at the gym. These practices have helped me continue to keep going and I found have others along the way. 

My experiences have given me perspective and have allowed me to become the man I am today. They have allowed me to speak and provide help to various people in various spaces across Canada and to the United States. My sobriety has allowed me to live my dream and to find my voice, my passion, my emotions and overall my true self. As of last year I had received my first regalia and this year in honour of 7 years on this red road and in honour of my mother, I plan to begin my journey as a men's fancy dancer. 

Seven years ago today, I made the best decision I could make for myself. To live mino bimaadiziwin, to live the good life.

International Women's Day 

The other day a friend of our family tagged me on social media in this video she took from June 23, 2018 when my friends and I performed at APTN's Indigenous Day Live pre-show. The beautiful woman in the bottom right corner with that amazing energy rocking back and forth is my momma bear. I'm grateful to have been raised by such a strong, kind, loving and caring woman who instilled those very traits in me. As I've replayed this video time and time again, I think of how proud she was of me and how just the other day my dad and I spoke about how even when she was in her last moments on a hospital bed, she was still promoting me to the nurses. 

With today being International Women's Day, I feel it is an important reminder to celebrate the women in our lives and to continue to honour them each day. Everyday I will give thanks and will honour my mother for giving me this precious gift of life. I will do the same for the strong and caring women who are in my circle. The same applies for the one who has been there for me throughout this tough time, who has been supportive towards me, who has continuously offered me love and who I am lucky enough to share a relationship with. 

Today, I ask the men reading this that you offer your gratitude to the women in your life. Whether it may be a sibling, a friend, a co-worker, a partner, a family member or your mother. Everyday they are to be honoured and respected. Show them that you honour and respect them, that you will listen, that you won't talk over them, that you will be present when needed and will give space as well, that you will respect their boundaries, that you care, that you will be an ally, that you are in no way, shape or form superior to them and that you will challenge any form of misogyny. 

Today, I also wanted to ask everyone if you are able to...that you hug your mother and hold them close to you. If they're a distance away, then call them. If they are in the spirit world, pray to them. Tell them that you love them, tell them that you care, tell them that your sorry, tell them that you forgive them and ask for forgiveness as well, tell them thank you for giving you life and tell them what they mean to you. 

Gi zah gin Ni Mama, I love you Mom, forever and always ❤️. 

Cody Coyote

Moment by Moment 

Through these moments that I sit still, my mind races, my body’s numb and emotions slowly begin to process. From the moment I woke up today to the moment I went to my bed to go to sleep, I’ve been thinking about her. Glancing at the picture of her on my wall brought forth sadness. As that tight feeling in my chest entered my body again, I find myself in a moment where I’m short of breath and trying to pace myself through it.

I told myself that I’d try to start going to bed earlier each night as a form of self care but often that wouldn’t be the case. As I try to ground myself, I feel that tight feeling again and I weep for her. Holding my stomach as if I was latching onto the memories of how it felt to receive hugs from her, knowing that when nobody else cared, she did.  

Feelings of loneliness enter my mind but are challenged by the fact that I hear the television on downstairs which reminds me that there are four guys who are with me throughout this...My dad, my brothers and my uncle. Despite what other people say, nobody else will know how I truly feel. The feeling of having a mother leave this journey and begin her journey in the spirit world far too young is one that can not be described. 

I try not to be angry at people when they offer their advice about the situation I’m in because I know they do it with good intentions so I remain silent and accept it. Part of me doesn't want to be silent, it wants to scream at the top of my lungs just to get it out as a release and to feel something. Doing whatever to try and calm myself, I took a shower and prepared myself for bed. I found that texting my girlfriend helped and she calmed me for the time being.  

As I write this out, I’m laying in the dark and typing this on my phone. It helps to process my thoughts. I’m currently calm and carry hopes that I will be able to have enough sleep for my radio show in the morning. The current time is 11:13 PM and I’ll need to wake up at 5:00 AM in order to make it to the station for my 6:00 AM show. 

Today is January 21, 2019. The show went okay, ran into some technical difficulties which were resolved but my anxiety was still present throughout it and after arriving at my home I went back to bed for some much needed rest and self care. The one thing people don’t know that happens behind the scenes as a public figure is that anxiety becomes a very real thing at times that can hit you like a ton of bricks depending on the circumstances. I’ve been learning to cope with it and I find that cooking, writing, going for walks and going to the gym helps a lot.  

As I write this I’m laying in my bed again after much reflection throughout the day. It’s been exactly five months now since my mother passed away and I can’t help but think of how much I miss her. Anger is also with me right now because I am angry at this enemy that I’ve made that has affected many that I love, including my beautiful mother...that enemy is cancer.  

Thoughts roam my mind on why certain foods, cigarettes and other things that are bad for us all, which can lead to cancer, are normalized in society. These thoughts are followed by why I need to be diligent with my health and what I consume. I am now reflecting on a new insecurity and fear that I have now. To protect myself and my family from this enemy I want to do as much research on cancer as possible and hope to help others who have been affected by it or who have had loved ones left behind after their passings but only if I could find the strength to.  

Trying to channel my emotions into something constructive has been difficult though but I’ve slowly been doing it and have found myself in a position where I’m almost done my second full length album which brings a feeling of only wishing that my mother could hear it. It’s helped for the time being but when people say that it’s “day by day” it really isn’t, everyone grieves differently and for some, it’s ever fragment of a second, taking things moment by moment, not knowing if you’ll be able to function or completely shut down.  

Whenever I performed, my mom would always be rocking away close to the stage and that’s one of the things I’m going to miss the most. I made a commitment to myself the night she passed. That commitment was for every performance I do, will be to celebrate her life and the life she has given me. Knowing that her spirit is still with me I find that I often will get small reminders which bring both sadness but calm me at times as well. 

What people need to understand is that silence, listening and just being there holds so much versus offering words of what they feel people need to hear during times like these. Unless they’ve lost a mother than they shouldn’t be offering their advice or two sense, but when they do I respectfully listen to what they have to say although at times it may upset me. The point to make is that if I wish to talk about it with them then I will, other than that it’s nobody else’s business. Writing this is to try and put this into perspective for people who don’t know this feeling and I hope that it will help with healing for those who are facing similar challenges. 

I talk to my mom regularly, every night in fact, and there isn’t a day that passes where I don’t think about her. These past two days have been very hard for me but I’m working through the motions of it and I’m grateful that pieces of her are still with me through my two younger brothers as well as her other half, my father.  

“Mamawi”, the title of my first full length album, has a stronger meaning for us as a family now and through that I know my mother is carried with us. Every time I see a “Mamawi” hat I think of how my mothers face lit up when I gifted her one while she was on her hospital bed. That memory is the last sincere smile I had from my mother and will forever be embedded in my heart. She was someone who was known for bringing people together and she continues to do just that. 

As I continue to write, it is now Monday, a start to a new week and I am sitting at home alone in my basement. Do I continue writing? Has enough been said? As the thought of silence revisits my mind, I accept it and acknowledge that as each moment passes I am learning to live without my mother in this physical world but will always carry her spirit with me. I now think about how the dishes need to be done then think of how the simplest task can become the biggest challenge some days. I've tried to add lyrics to some other songs I was working on as well but found myself with writers block. 

One thing that I'm accepting right now is that it's literally taking things moment by moment, forgetting the small things like gossip and the negative energy's that other people will dish out. For the people that wish to support and understand what I'm going through, I welcome them, but for those that don't then I wish them the best. All I know is that this is a beginning of a new journey, at the age of 26, where somedays I will be able to lift myself up and some days I will fall, some days I will be strong enough to lift my family up and for the days I am unable to they will be strong enough to life me up in return.

With the dawn of a new day I will continue to smile, to cry, to laugh, to weep, to dance and to sing in honour of her. Moment by moment, acknowledging that tomorrow isn't promised to anybody so I need to make today count, that's what she would want from me. 

The Secret and the Family Tree  

Constantly searching throughout this world, trying to find out where I’m from and who my blood relatives are. Finally after 25 years we’ve found them.

My father was born on February 21, 1960 in Hailebury, Ontario, Canada and was adopted from when he was four months old. Adopted by Keith Purcell, from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada and Doreen Purcell, from England, United Kingdom. The Purcell’s adopted my father as well as my aunts and uncle. They had also fostered many kids throughout the years too.

Later on in my fathers life he met my beautiful mother who had given life to three boys, myself and my two younger brothers. Growing up we knew that my father was Ojibwe, his last name before adoption was Batisse and that he was from Matachewan First Nation, located in Northern Ontario about an hour outside of Kirkland Lake, Ontario, Canada. With proof from his birth certificate, myself and my younger brothers were able to receive status cards from a young age but as we grew older, curiosity and the yearning to know where our roots were from came along. 

Throughout high school I faced bullying for having long hair, I had been made fun of for being First Nations by older students and faced a lot of struggles surrounding my lack of cultural identity. Having little knowledge about my culture and what it meant to be Ojibwe was a common stress for me growing up but I remain grateful that my father taught me everything that he was able to. Despite the little knowledge that I carried, I found myself lost in a big world and found it very difficult to navigate through it. With these types of experiences, I also found myself in a world of violence, alcohol and drugs. 

From my early teens to the end of high school I was using drugs and alcohol as a coping method. Every neighbourhood has that older person who was able to get alcohol for someone and for me I was in regular contact with them. At this point in my life I wanted to numb what I was feeling and when it came to partying, I would often drink too much. At times I would consume alcohol on my own in my room, just so I could distract myself from the stresses I had been feeling and this eventually lead to drinking at school. It also didn’t help matters that the school I went to had been teaching a false history of what had happened in Canada.

Poetry, writing lyrics and music became my medicine during high school and it was my escape when I wasn’t feeding into my demons. It allowed me to be creative and to vent what I was carrying inside. Even to date it continues to be something that helps me stay grounded. 

Transitioning after high school though drinking became more common, peer pressure became worse and eventually it lead to going to clubs in Hull, Quebec, Canada to party. This continued until I was 20 years old, within bars and clubs in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. During this time period I had also been involved in gang life and had been using steroids, both oral and injective as well, as a part of a revenge plot I had for some guys that had jumped my younger brother at a party. The use of steroids also became part of the want to look more attractive due to being called ugly in high school by certain girls. At this point I was also facing a lot of emotional changes, nightmares, stresses from the lifestyle I was a part of and other challenges. Losing control, I hit rock bottom and had a suicide attempt after a night of drinking which lead to me being in a hospital the morning after. 

On March 18th, 2012 I made a commitment to live a sober life and as things progressed I learned how to deal with my emotions better, I was able to further my journey with music and I started to truly walk on my healing journey. In 2015, I went to the Indigenous Music Awards that were held in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada after being up for two different award nominations in the “Best Rap/Hip-Hop CD” category and the “Single Of The Year” category. Meeting someone who is now my manager, Bruce Barber, at the award show also allowed more doors to open as we worked together. 

                                                                                   Cody Coyote - 2015 Indigenous Music Awards
                                                                                   Photo Credit: APTN

Touring to various communities and cities across Canada since 2015 has allowed me to meet many people, some of which have helped me in regards to connecting the dots with my blood relatives. Knowing that my father took a similar journey when he was younger too made me realize that we had both walked a very similar path and had similar past experiences. It wasn’t until later that after the everyday stresses that I felt, I was beginning to understand that I was feeling the intergenerational affects of what had happened with my father. 

Having spent 25 years not knowing who we were related to, we made contact with some members from our family and had gone to Matachewan First Nation for the first time as a family to meet them. Unsure of how we were all related made us all very curious but the acceptance that we received from them made us remain hopeful. It wasn’t until shortly after I turned 26 that I would encounter a part of my journey that would create a shift for us all. 

On April 25th, 2018 I had travelled to Kebaowek First Nation which is located in Kipawa, Quebec, Canada to perform for their community and facilitate a workshop. During my time there I had spent time with the organizers and after having conversations about who we all knew, one of them told me that she knew one of my relations. On April 27th, 2018 I met them for the first time in North Bay, Ontario, Canada and had received phone numbers from them of other relatives who would be able to help me puzzle things together. 

                                                                                   Cody Coyote - Kebaowek First Nation
                                                                                   Photo Credit: Cody Coyote

Once I arrived back in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, I sat down with my father and explained to him what had happened while I was up north. On April 26th, 2018 I had immediately made phone calls from the moment I woke up because I was eager to learn more. After speaking with a woman named JB, she spoke to me about how her sister MB and her brother GB had gone to residential school. We also spoke about how C.A.S. (Children’s Aid Society) had taken a lot of children from Matachewan First Nation as well as the Indian agents who had been present as well and had taken children to residential school. 

Janet and I spoke about how we believed that MB was my grandmother and the knowledge that I had of what had happened when my father was adopted. JB advised me that it would be best to contact her brother GB because he would be able to provide further information in regards to the questions that I had. 

My father had been told by Doreen Purcell that when he was adopted, a teen who appeared to be 13 to 14 years old was the biological mother who had put him up for adoption. The teen’s mother had been the one who signed all of the documents that were relative to my father which explained why he showed up as a 4th generation Batisse instead of a 5th generation Batisse on the records we had obtained from our sources in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. 

On the afternoon of April 26th, 2018 I felt nervous, excited and a mix of other emotions while I made a phone call that would be the start to a new journey for us all. At approximately 2:00 PM EST I phoned GB to have a conversation with him and inquired about if he remembered anything being mentioned about a baby being born around 1960. GB was born in 1944 and had mentioned that he went to residential school in London, Ontario, Canada until he was 16 which was in 1960. After he had left the school he was told that his sister MB, born in 1947, had a baby and had given it up for adoption. 

This brought on tears of relief and joy. Nervous as ever, I told Gordon that I was now able to call him my great uncle and we made plans to see each other in May, 2018 when I am in Toronto, Ontario, Canada to perform at a festival. I also mentioned that I had two younger brothers, a father and a mother that would like to meet him as well.  

After 58 years of my father searching for answers, 25 years of me searching for answers, 24 years of my middle brother searching for answers and 20 years of my youngest brother searching for answers, we finally had confirmation of what had happened. My father now knew who his mother was and I now knew who my grandmother was.  

We were told by our relations that there was a secret in the family, that secret was my father. After years of unanswered questions, searching and not knowing, we finally found what we were looking for.